shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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