well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
