Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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