I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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