dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
