if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
