I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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