We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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