The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
