I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
