Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
