Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
