i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
God I need to hump something, right now.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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