i was born a porn star she said
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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