my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
