your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
