Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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