She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
