Your face is a jimmy john
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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