it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
