i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
