my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
