There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
