Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
