fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
