Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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