We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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