I look better un-naked...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
