so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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