my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My cat gives me a boner
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
