dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
