Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
