when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize