watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
