Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
