booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This baby is an asshole
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
