Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
