My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
