her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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