i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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