You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
