Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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