My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
