It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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