Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize