I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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