I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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