im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
