Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
