So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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