i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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