I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
