I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
