Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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