Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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