i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
3 2 1 whiskey
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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