Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
