Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize