i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize