If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
