Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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