yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
