if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
