i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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